Listener Alert: New Cafe Eager to Sneer at You Opens!
Good afternoon and welcome to another exciting episode of “Shops of Tokyo That Don’t Really Want to Be in the Business They’re In.”
As our regular listeners know, we try to bring you eateries and drinkeries that are so exhausted, so disinterested in their chosen profession, their barely tolerated customers feel fortunate to be allowed through the doors.
Yes, my friends. That exasperation with revenues and business is a New Art in the world of hospitality, and Japan is on the cutting edge.
Thanks for joining!
Today we will introduce a brand-new and quite cozy looking coffee house named Fuglen in the Nishi Sando area!
Some of you may already know the Fuglen name from the Norway-themed coffee/craft beer/cocktail/bakery located near NHK in Shibuya. While that original shop is quite cheery, happening, and financially successful, we are pleased to see that this newest offshoot has exhaustion and client-contempt written all over it.
Rest assured. Should you choose to visit the newest Fuglen, you will be greeted by an almost Zen-level focus on disdain.
First, the menu offers coffee only. You got that right, it’s a very sleek and easy-to-read list.
I’m assuming the original Fuglen had too many time-consuming choices so the owners have stripped the snacks, dishes, cocktails, and craft beer back to (very well-constructed) black water.
The poo-pooing is genius level. Witnessing such focus on squashing hopes, we have to ask ourselves what were restauranters thinking for the past several hundred years offering so many distractions?
Next are Fuglen’s operating hours. It’s embarrassing to admit, but face it, you and I have come to accept worn-out cliches like coffee being served early in the morning. Silly us!
I am pleased to report that this will not be an issue at the new Fuglen. Doors open at noon and then, deliciously, sneeringly close at 5pm.
You know, my eyes lit up particularly when I saw this noon opening time. After all, the thought of rich coffee aroma, and the bitter, biting flavor of freshly brewed French Roast any time before noon frankly has always made my stomach turn.
Bravo, Fuglen! We stand instructed.
Finally, you will be reassured to know that Fuglen also comes with a generous list of rules. Because what is Disinterested Business in Japan without restrictions? Well, no one can say that Fuglen has held out: no takeouts, no cash accepted, and reservations by QR Code “to help us serve your better” are recommended!
I don’t know about you, but I am dying to book a slot via an app to have coffee at noon in an assigned seat. And finally when I try unsuccessfully to settle my bill with legal tender, and the staff roll their eyes at the cash-offering dinosaur in their midst, I will stand and applaud!
Well, there you have it, listeners. I award Fuglen three stars—my highest rating reserved for only the Michelangelos of Dissatisfaction.
Fuglen, located at 4-20-10 Yoyogi, eagerly awaits your departure.
Basil Fawlty is alive and living in Japan.
This piece is so great.