Mr. Motomura's Drivers Ed Class

Good morning, foreigners aspiring to receive Japanese driver’s licenses!

My name is Motomura, and as I scored 504 points on the TOEIC English language test––by far the highest of anyone in this Japanese government building––I have been nominated to be your instructor.

Today’s class will be nine hours of lecture. Please simply take notes. No questions will be taken.

After the nine hours of me speaking at you, we will see a very wet and scary one-hour video of real traffic accidents all the fault of Chinese people. You will then take a written test.

Most will not pass the test, because it is written in English that can only be described as “English.”

However should you miraculously pass the test (97% correct or better), we will have driving tests. If you brush a cone on our 22 square meter test circuit, you will be failed. Should you neglect to for instance check the direction of the prevailing breeze before opening the drivers door, or proceed without ensuring the gasoline cap is tightly closed, you will be failed.

Don’t worry. If you do fail any of the tests today, you can come back in six months’ time to repeat the process from Step A.

Everyone eventually learns to pass. It is just like Japanese high school.

She is Japanese. She doesn’t need this class.

Okay! Let me start today by covering a few basic Japanese Rules of Driving that I am told do not exist in any other country on Planet Earth.

Number One: Don’t use your turn signals. These annoying lights have only been put on the cars for the American and European markets where they are somehow valued. Foreign drivers here are constantly annoying Japanese people with a bunch of blinkety blinks. Should you still wish to use these lights, only initiate the signal 4 milliseconds before actually lunging the car 90 degrees to either the left or right. To remember this Rule, I urge you to internalize this concept, “Signaling shows what you are doing right now at this precise moment in time. It is not showing future intention.”

Great! That was easy.

Okay, Rule Number Two: Park anywhere you like, and at any time you wish. This is actually a great rule that you can come to truly love about being a driver in Japan. You will never again spend a single yen on paid parking once you realize that you can simply stop in any lane, turn on your hazard lights, exit the vehicle, and go, say, shopping in a store! Or have a burger with friends! Don’t worry, everyone will without complaint just go around your car that is now parked in lane number two in the middle of Meiji Dori.

I’m sorry, foreign lady in the second row. No questions! Just take notes. I have covered this at the beginning.

Rule Number Three: Don’t get heatstroke. Summers are hot in Japan, so you may stop in shade, rather than in the sun. I’m told that foreigners are perplexed when they see a Japanese driver decline to fully pull up to a red stop light. Instead, on hot days, they will pull only to a big whack of shade made by a stopped truck or bus in the next lane. They will wait the red light out there, comfy in the shade of the bus, and keep all other drivers behind them hundreds of yards from the intersection. This is simple common sense. No blame!

Rule Number Four: It is okay to go 100 kilometers per hour over the speed limit, and blow through all red lights when late for a golf tee time.

Rule Number Five: Red lights are a suggestion. Stop being all pedantic about these.

Rule Number Six: Hit/touch/breathe upon a bicyclist, and you are guilty. Even if a bicyclist jumps a curb and careens off a sidewalk 45 degrees diagonally in front of your car to buy a soda at a convenience store on the other side of an intersection, and you jam hard on the brakes to avoid pulverizing the rider, and yet with fully locked and smoking brakes, inertia carries you one inch further miraculously only feather-tapping the crazed (thirsty) rider…

You are at fault.

You will lose your license and, as a foreigner, be brought up on charges of Attempted Murder.

Which brings me to Rule Number Seven: You are always at fault. When a pedestrian staring at his own toes (or more likely his Pokemon Go game on an iPhone) walks right under your moving car to become one with your tire treads, you are to blame. Pre-Meditated Murder One!

One day this could be yours. Just stop using your turn signals.

Hands down, people. Hands down. We covered this at the beginning. You foreigners are always popping your hands in the air seeking clarifications or requesting explanations.

We have so much more to cover before lunch. Let’s move on now to the second part of our lesson today, “Stop Annoying Everyone by Using Your Side- and Rear-View Mirrors.”