Want to live in Japan? Learn the calendar.

Never do a tiling job in July. Always put a bowl of tangerines out in December.

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I swear that Japan must have a ‘Ministry of Arbitrary Calendar Dates.’ You won’t find it listed on Wikipedia, but trust me it’s there in Kasumigaseki…somewhere.

The Ministry is shadowy and capricious. Like picking from thin air, it decides when we will feel cold, when beaches should be visited, up to when an apple should be eaten, and on what precise day a child needs to finish a school assignment.

I know, it all sounds crazy. But let me give you some examples.

Just try buying an ear of corn past August 27. Anywhere in the damn country. No, sorry, it’s August 28 today and no more ears of corn are on sale. The season is fini.

Your visit to the supermarket will go something like this:

Excuse me, where are the fresh ears of corn? The mountainous pile that was here yesterday…

Corn is over.

Over?

Can I interest you in some amazing cucumbers?

Doesn’t matter whether it was a corn bumper crop that year. Or whether rainfall was heavy or light. Freshness certainly plays no role.

The Ministry has spoken.

I think an enormous fleet of trucks is sent out to every corner of the country on the night of August 27 to collect all unsold corn ears from every shelf. The still shiny and perfectly delicious cobs are whisked off to canning and freezing factories for processing.

No more for you, dummy. Learn the calendar.

Not shot on August 28.

Want air conditioning on your jam-packed train that has a passenger cabin temperature and humidity equal to the Amazon Rain Forest? Nope, sorry, it’s September 17 and the Ministry of Arbitrary Dates has decided it is no longer hot in Japan. (Better hope too that the first autumn chill hits on October 11 as scheduled, because like it or not the heating blast is coming on for your commute.)

I know many people who love “The Taste of Autumn” beer by Kirin. They either horde shop leftovers on November 6 or silently accept that by the morning of November 7 “Winter’s Tale” by Sapporo will zap all of its shelf space.

Autumnal flavors end on November 6, pal. Anyone knows that.

Start this on February 11, risk a call from the Ministry.

I once needed to buy a pair of shorts in November as I was soon going on a trip to southeast Asia. Hey, I’m not deluded—I knew that there wouldn’t be anywhere near a full selection in November, but hopefully a large department store would have a small stack of unsold shorts off in a corner somewhere for randos like me. I inquired of the saleslady. She looked at me like I was speaking Pluto-ese.

Look, there are great things about the Ministry’s mission. We eat the freshest of the fresh. All the materials you need for a household tiling job (deemed to most appropriately start on April 11 btw) will be in plentiful supply.

Indeed once you learn the Ministry’s arbitrary calendar and submit to it, a great deal of time and effort can be saved. Simply learn that lawn sod is sold from June 1 to June 15 and plan your schedule accordingly. Get cracking, seventh graders, if you wish to reach the eighth grade you will all be finished with Chapter 9 of Life Sciences, Vol. II on August 3. Internalize that hotaru ika squid will be included on every single plate served IN ALL RESTAURANTS NATIONWIDE from March to May. Even goddamn Denny’s learned to put those tiny, squirty monsters on their menu just to be part of the team.

Interesting note, Germany seems to have learned some of Japan’s food calendar rules. I once had the misfortune of visiting Berlin smack in the middle of what I soon learned was ‘White Asparagus Three Weeks.’ Great city, but I think I was culinarily scarred for life.

[A word to Germans: I know you are all vegetable deficient, but there are many more flora on this planet than albino asparagus—several of which I’m sure grow just fine in your soil. Explore the space.]

Half a million bucks says this is January 13.

Part of the Ministry of Arbitrary Calendar Date’s portfolio seems to be general education. Japan as you know leaves nothing to chance or individual interpretation. Watch the beloved family cartoon Sazae-san sometime and notice the flowers outside the Isono’s living room window. Any February broadcast will have daffodils blooming in the garden.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the Ministry monitors and instructs national media, ensuring that public understanding is reinforced. In every television show, movie, and commercial, December table snacks are tangerines, August family outings will be to graveyards, job interviews are in early March, April and June flowers will be sakura and hydrangea, respectively.

For people who live in Japan, I think I’ve found a clever workaround. Look for opportunities to turn the Ministry’s calendar to your advantage. Buck it just a tad. For example, should you find an enormous line of people waiting for an Okinawan restaurant (a dubious thing to do any time of the year), refuse to play along. Although the Ministry believes Okinawan goya and other island non-food should be consumed from July 16, stubbornly choose an unagi restaurant that won’t have its own mob scene until July 30. You’ll be jumping the unagi calendar gun by two weeks, sure, but great service and plump, savory eel awaits.

Oh boy, doesn’t this look fantastic? I suggest a hard pass on any day of the year.