Ask Mr. Noguchi

Our editor addresses issues that matter to you

Hideo Noguchi, Senior Editor, Kokumin Shimbun

Dear Mr. Noguchi,

I work in a Japanese company in Tokyo, and each day I ride the elevator with other colleagues and tenants of the building. Why are people here so silent inside elevators (and trains for that matter)? If they do speak to each other, it’s in barely audible whispers that I personally find sort of insulting. Like, I’m not worthy of hearing what they’re talking about, or they’re keeping secrets from me.

Thanks for any insights!

FEELING EXCLUDED

Dear Feeling,

The more appropriate question here might be why do Americans and Europeans speak so MUCH in elevators? Do you think we all really need to know that your son has a new girlfriend and that she’s part Latina?

I worked in New York City for a few years (that’s why my English is so advanced). Riding my company’s elevator, I learned why Lorna decided to have a hysterectomy at 32. She had many eye-opening reasons! David’s wife meanwhile opted to have an epidural on her second child’s birth because the “first kid popping out was so excruciating.” I also found out that a guy who worked on our 22^nd floor once got arrested on five drug charges. Thankfully they all got thrown out for lack of evidence.

Here's a concept. Enjoy the fact that these details are not being shared with you in your elevator. In Japan, we think that subjecting people around us to this kind of verbal mess is burdensome.

Hint: that’s why your co-workers are whispering.

Let me leave you with this. I know it goes against every grain of your nature, but next time you ride an elevator in Japan try to pause your discussion. It will only be a minute before you can continue letting your friend know how much you paid for broccoli at Max Value.

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Dear Mr. Noguchi,

The other day I was on a shopping street and wanted to stop into a cute stationery store. However right on the door was a handwritten sign saying, “No Foreigners, Please.”

What does that mean? And doesn’t the shop owner know that this sort of message is illegal in the U.S.?

LIKELY TO SUE

Dear Likely,

What does it mean? My English reading skills are such that I’m going to guess it means the owner doesn’t want you in his or her store.

I know it hurts. But suck it up, and consider going to one of the 99.99% of the other stores in Japan that doesn’t have this sign. If that doesn’t work out for you, file a lawsuit “in the U.S.” and let me know when you prevail.

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Dear Mr. Noguchi,

I love sushi and consider myself something of an expert on this amazing cuisine. My Japanese friend told me that I shouldn’t even ask for avocado or an Angus Steak and Dijon Mustard Nori Roll at the 107-year-old sushi ya we went to the other night. She said she would literally walk out if I did.

I get it. Maybe these are not usual sushi orders here, but I believe that Japan can learn much from other cultures, like my own in America. What’s the harm in asking for what I would like—the customer is god, right?

HOPING TO HELP JAPAN EVOLVE

Dear Hoping,

Let me guess. You pour soy sauce on your rice because “it’s a bit bland otherwise.” You also tip your waiters, cab drivers, nurses, paper boy, and gas stand attendants because they do such a good job…even when you’ve been told thousands of times everyone here is made really uncomfortable by the practice. Warm?

Here’s my advice. Listen to your friend.

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Dear Mr. Noguchi,

Japan’s foreign policy frankly scares me. Each time Japan has a disagreement with North Korea or China, for instance, the Prime Minister lodges pretty strong complaints. Doesn’t he know that more can be accomplished with cooperation and peaceful acceptance?

IMAGINE ALL THE PEOPLE

Dear Imagine,

By “disagreement” I’m assuming you mean things like when North Korea wakes up one day and starts test-shooting nuclear missiles over Aomori? Or when China sails warships around and starts stealing islands so that airstrips can be built on them?

Like those sorts of small annoyances that your country would totally put up with?

You’re so right! Our PM should sign new trade and investment deals with these people and propose an immediate peace conference. Excuse me while I quickly draft a letter to the PM giving him your advice.